Good Kind of Different

“You have changed.”

Okay i don’t know about you, but i don’t want to hear that from someone unless it’s good change.

Two of my friends said that i have changed, ever since i went to promised land. They said i didn’t use to be like this. Which is half true. Afterall, they met me when i was withdrawn, when i socially isolated myself from everyone. When i was extremely scared and timid and in need of a God to mend a broken heart.

I used to be this deranged in secondary school, mainly to mask my feelings. To be honest, I’m not too sure if I’m a little insane now because that’s the real me or because of the hype. I catch myself being too loud sometimes.

I was shocked when she said that i make my presence known. I was like “wait what do i do it intentionally?” and to my relieve she said no. Because if she said yes then i REALLY need to isolate myself and rethink my actions. She also said i have a lot of favour from the people in the different regions. A favour that she never had. I still don’t know what that means. But i will try figuring out if it’s good or bad.

I really just want to blend in well and not be seen by anyone, really. I do admit, sometimes the things that i say or do are uncalled for and does draw quite a bit of attention… which was why i said maybe i lost myself in the hype.

I told 2 different people today that the call can be lonely. Everyone thinks I’m having a jolly great time in the promised land and the whole world loves me and i have no struggles. It’s not true. I went to the promised land bearing the title leader. As a leader, there are characteristics that i need to live up to. I need to initiate, i need to be proactive, i need to talk to people. It’s a lonely walk sometimes. I have no one to talk to, like no good friends that i can trust to pour out my emotional roller coaster. WELL OKAY I HAVE JESUS. But sometimes we do need christian fellowship that can edify us.

To me, i think, it was a good change. I came out of my cave and i became bolder. I didn’t exactly realised how i was really feeling, i think they were more shocked than i was because the tear faucet just turned on. Yet i hope my friend knows that I’m still me, though I’m a little louder, I’m still me.

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Dear Me

Dear me,

Hello. You are an idiot. Would you please get over your inadequacies?

Okay no, I’m sorry. I want to be nice today.

Let’s try that again.

Hello to me. Hi. HI THERE. You are able. Maybe you think you are not equipped, but He equips you. It’s not always about you. Don’t look at you. Look at Jesus. Would you just trust in Him?

Hello me. Be bold, be brave, be courageous, be audacious.

Hello me. Sometimes when you feel like you can barely breathe, i think it’s okay to let out a huge sigh, just don’t do it in front of people. Go hide somewhere and tell me that i am great and i am doing fine and i can do fine. Tell me that i have a God who is greater than i am. Remind me to be bold because I forget.

Hello me. You don’t have to bear the load on your own, because He’s waiting to bear it for you. Give it to Him. Don’t try to do it on your own.

Hello me. You need to love me even when you don’t feel like it. Even when you can’t find reasons to. You love me. You declare good things over me. Be kind to me. Don’t beat me up. And trust me. Trust me please.

Love,

Me.

 

 

 

Shameless

I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.
Luke 11:8 (NIV)

Well, i never expected the bible to teach me how to be shameless. But yes, it says to have shameless audacity. In the NLT version, it says to have shameless persistence.

To put it simply, i need to be bhb in my prayer requests. I need to ask big and expect big.

“Give me faith, to trust what You say”

This really resonated within my heart today. I kinda just sobbed/ugly cry at the altar. I’m still far from being the faithful person that i wish i was, but I’m trying!

Peter is not my favourite person in the bible but sometimes i think I’m a lot like Peter. I’m a coward haha. And I doubt myself too much.

Amanda was telling me that I’m calling the shots and i was just like WHHAAAAA- . I was praying that everything would run smoothly and no hiccups would take place the whole time. I would really like to be told what to do than tell others what to do.

I’ll probably get smacked for saying this but i really didn’t do much? Everyone was so nice and co-operative and they knew what to do. IT WAS GREAT. Probably except the part where James gave the wrong instructions and it was too late for me to say anything so i just sat there and prayed to God that it would work anyhow.

But yes, i need to get over myself. Get over my incapabilities, my self-doubt, my negativities.

GET OVER YOURSELF JAMIE.

PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELF.

I don’t really know but i think intern has caused me to become so… pensive. TOO PENSIVE.

All i want to do now is sleep. But i have yet to complete Friday’s reflections. :”)

 

Loved

I dislike crowded places. I dislike it when strangers stand in close proximity to me. I dislike it when they get to my personal space, although the irony is I’m in a public place. I dislike it when somebody’s hair get in my face, i dislike it when they stand too close and their body touches mine. I dislike it when they move too slowly, or when their trolley rolls over my feet. I dislike it when they are carrying bulky items and it swings against me with the rhythm of the moving train. I don’t know how Jesus endured crowded places, other than the fact that he had compassion on them.

Yet, when i look at all these strange faces, i remember that a heart beats within them. There is something within them that screams to be alive. More than the physical body, more than what they are doing, more than what the internet says, more than themselves.

It’s like how sometimes i look in the mirror and i wonder what is and who is this queer person behind the body and i realise it’s me. I know it sounds like a foolish thing to say but when i put myself out of context, i see i that I’m just a me. I’m just an insignificant person out of billions. I don’t matter. Nobody knows me. People won’t remember me when i die.

It’s the same for all the other millions and billions of faces that i see everyday. Every pain, every heartache, masked. I’m not insinuating that they are pretentious, but i think to some extent we become pretentious unconsciously when we struggle to keep a perfect life.

But there is a person who knows them. That person is not me. That person is praying for them in the heavenly realms. And when we are troubled with the cares of life, what solace it is to know that somebody out there cares. I hope they know that He cares.

Overflow

I really wanted to talk about these things on instagram but I THINK MY FRIENDS ARE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE I’M TOO ANNOYING.

So I’ve been telegramming myself over everything that happened. It’s kinda like my reflection platform, not just professionally, but also personally and spiritually. Not forgetting i have official reflection journals to submit but they are not so personal imo. AND I REALISED THIS BLOG EXISTS. I think it’s going to be used for a great purpose in storing all that I’ve learnt.

Last night i had sleep paralysis, i think maybe i was too tired. And i remembered i read somewhere to try moving my fingers and it worked HAHA but i still couldn’t move and i had this ongoing nightmare of this chinese grandma who was holding an indian toddler (??) I was trying to carry the toddler and when the toddler had her arms wrapped around me, the chinese ah ma told her to pressed down on my neck. Yes i thought i was going to die.

Long day today but it’s so fulfilling being here. I don’t even remember how many times i said i love doing this. I LOVE THIS. I walked in and i looked at all my colleagues (more like looking at their eye bags) and i was just so amazed at the work they do.

We had clinical live session today, and it is so amazing because it’s so real. The complexities of human life, looking at family dynamics, subsystems, time line of life. I just can’t look at youth ministry in the same way. Sometimes i think my sheeps require some form of social work intervention.

And, how does a social worker not feel pressured when she has 6 other social workers and 5 training interns watching her through the CCTV LOL I can’t imagine myself doing it.

AND OH MY GOSH, i really do feel very privileged because out of all the interns, I’m the only one who gets to interview clients. Partially because of what i set under my learning objectives. My sup will be watching me, either in the same room or over the CCTV.
I’m super proud of you Jamie for setting objectives not for the grades but because you want to walk away learning something. Tbh i have never given any thought to grades at all. I’m just hungry to learn.

Okay, moving on i sat beside the centre director after the clinical session (stress) and it was kinda like a debrief/feedback time. Although i had a point that i thought would be great if the social worker explored more with the client, i was afraid to share. What if my points are invalid? But i did it anyways and it wasn’t invalid, in fact it was useful.

I’M SO PROUD OF YOU JAMIE CHUA.

There’s just so much to do and think about, and i really thank God for that bit of time over the past two days to reflect.

Sometimes i think pouring out on instagram may be stumbling, cos i might sound like i’m complaining. But i just wanted things to be real. And last night i was reminded of what i left behind and should leave behind daily.

Leaving behind fears, leaving behind doubts, leaving behind limitations.

Jamie you need to learn to trust yourself and trust God. Trust that what you do can be beneficial to the people around you.

And i realised i need to learn to give myself credit too, i think it’s good for my growth where i don’t just learn about my weaknesses, i learn about my strengths too.

My thoughts are just running wild, flowing everywhere, the brain and the heart is full, thank You God for putting me here. I think working with children and youth has always been my passion because i feel that they could be at a vulnerable stage of their life, and i want to be there to empower them. Maybe 5 or 10 years down when i feel weary and i get tired, i would look back at this and remember why i want to do what i do.

Say The Word 

Say the word and there is light

Say the word and dead bones rise

Every start and end hangs on Your voice

For Your word never returns void

//

Written in a billion skies

Speaking to this heart of mine

All that I am with all creation

Hanging on every word that You’ve spoken

And it will not be shaken

Clinging for life to all Your promise

Hanging on every word that You say

//

It will remain

And my soul will hang on every word You say

//

Word made flesh You wrote in grace

Promise kept through cross and grave

Over words of stone You spelled out love

And when You say it is done

It is done

//

Say The Word, Hillsong United

In Season

Season: a time characterized by a particular circumstance or feature

I feel like I am directed to these 2 verses in this season.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

Hebrews 12:1-3

Hebrews 12:1-3 is simply a reminder for me, of what Jesus went through so that we could have access to the Father. It’s also a verse that spurs me on to loving people who are hard to love. I will always remember what the Lord asked me two years ago.

“Who will love them if you don’t, and who will pray for them if you don’t?”

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Proverbs 3:5-6 was what i received during the last prayer meeting. I actually went out for the altar call because i had a need, but He did not give me a solution for that specific need. Instead, he gave me his word that was the solution not just to that need, but to every other need that i had, that i did not even realized was there.

Trust in Him. Submit to Him. Trust in Him. Submit to Him. Trust in Him. Submit to Him.

Depend on His understanding.

Lost count of the numerous times i prayed over it, like i needed some kind of direction and assurance that i’m not doing the wrong thing. And i’m just grateful that things turned out well, everything ended (sort of ) on a good note. As morbid as it seems, it actually feels like somebody close to me died, and yet there was still peace in my heart.

I almost forgot, but i started 2017 with 2 words: Reverent Submission. I wanted to live 2017 in submission the way Jesus did; He learnt obedience so that He could be a source of eternal salvation for us all.

“He doesn’t lead us somewhere He hasn’t prepared us to go.”

– Matt Stinton

It feels crazy how my 2017 started out, and there’s just so much more to what i can imagine or even think of, and how He can use me. I’m scared to think about it but Proverbs 3:5-6. I can only stand back and watch how Jesus unfolds everything at the end.

And to my friend, if you are reading this (which i highly doubt so because my blog is dead), but if you are really reading this, i only have one word for you, SMART. This could be a pivotal moment for us in our growth, and i just want to say that i’m super grateful for you for always believing in my capacity.

Thank you.