April went by in a flash. Half of May went by in a flash. In truth, this period of time is not enjoyable. So much uncovering, so much testing, so much failure. So much so that i don’t think i am anywhere near what i have been called to do. Where i imagine myself to be is not where i am at. I wrestle with myself on the inside, that i may find strength to continue running the race, even when i don’t feel like running anymore.
Or that maybe this moment is just one of those passing moment where i feel so overwhelmed by my struggles. And i know this too will pass. Everything will be okay. He remains faithful. I will be okay.
Although April and this May sucked, i know 2017 is still the year of the Lord’s goodness.
I pray my eyes will be opened to see the goodness of the Lord everywhere. In the little things, that is where i will find goodness. In the Lord of the heavens, that is where i will find goodness.
I need to depend on God. I may say i do depend on God but i guess there is still a part of me that wants to make sure I’ve got everything done well and perfect, then i can go to God. But i also know that God wants me to depend on Him. Fully. To be fully dependent on who He is.
And i speak to my soul, be still.
Be still in His presence. Be still and know that He is God.
I didnt expect the case to turn out to be something so similar to what I’ve been through. And i hope they didn’t notice i was actually trying not to cry… I’m such a loser. Thank God my runny nose covered it up. Then i went back to the office toilet to cry. And i still want to cry.
I’m half regreting what i set for my learning contract because i don’t really want to learn about working with families anymore. It’s difficult because it triggers memories that i don’t want to remember. I think about what Franklin said and i know it’s true that I’m not over it. And i don’t know how to deal with my emotions/hurts.
I really want to bawl in the train. But i think people will judge me haha Jesus please help me. I need to find somewhere to cry because I’m all snotty.
Sitting across the boy’s mother, it’s as though I’m sitting across mine, except I’m not because i’m suppose to be a professional. And i can’t be vulnerable.
It’s hard to admit but it hurts because sometimes you yearn for the presence of a supposedly trusted person, and as desperately as you want it, it never comes.
I wish i can run away now but i know i can’t and i shouldn’t. I don’t even know if i should tell my sup anything… i kinda don’t want to. But it’s going to be hard if he asks me questions and i can’t answer…
You steady my heart.
You steady my heart.
You steady my heart.
Last week, a very good friend of mine said that i have favour with people and she envies that favour that i have. I wasn’t really sure what she meant by that until today somebody asked me if i would hang out with them.
So it hit me all at once what my good friend said because i never expected that somebody to ask me to hang out with them.
So i kinda sought the opinion of another friend because he’s super observant about things like this. I asked him if i had favour with people. Well, we both know it’s favour from God too. But i wanted to know why and how come.
This is what he says:
You are a very fun person to be with that people just find it enjoyable to be around your presence. You’re real and not afraid to be yourself. Authenticity is a strong of attraction because it displays firm confidence. Don’t be stumbled as i say this, i’m very objective when i say that you are physically, asthestically well pleasing to the eye. Given a choice to hang with good looking or ugly (physical pov) we naturally turn to good looking. And your character and personality lifts beyond just the physical but to a deeper level. So you can say your physical appearance is like a leverage to put you a little in a better position than others for people you meet for the first time and your personality, trait, character pulls you up above the leverage as people look deeper.
So why you are favoured is because you got a good start (leverage), then your personality takes it away.
I was telling him that being favoured among people means that they would want to hang out with me. And i think it’s really weird and scary all at the same time because i never expected something like this, and it could be a blessing or it could also turn into something really bad.
What if i become selective of who i hang out with? What if i miss out on doing what’s important? What if i make the wrong choice?
But at the same time, it’s like God, what can i do with this favour that i’m receiving? What can You do with this favour?
Favour, favoured. It can turn to pride.
Last night, i came to a point of realisation that it’s really not all about talent. It really is not. The fact that I’m desperate, because i can’t do everything on my own, makes it that I’ll take anyone who is willing. Despite age, despite experience, despite their limitations. Anyone who is willing to make time, anyone who is willing to learn, I’ll use them. How often i overlook this fact, and though I’m willing, i often box myself up because of my limitations. Then i see God in the big picture, how he wants to use people who are willing, and what he can do through them… Everything kinda clicked last night and it all makes sense now. It makes a lot of sense.
“Jesus didn’t pick up people with talents but He picked up people with character.”
Human work is dynamic.
Why did i do what i did? Why is he like this? How come? Why?
“Behind every fault, there is a need.”
“It is alarming how you are an introvert and you don’t have time for yourself.”
“Some candles burn bright but they burn out fast.”
“Don’t try to be sufficient on your own.”
“It is inevitable to make mistakes.”
“Why do you give your youths second chances but not yourself?”
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
How humbling it is to know that i’m loved at a great cost, at a high price, with much suffering and sacrifice.
Thank You. Thank You. And Thank You.
Jesus, my life is not worth living if i’m not living for You. Make me more like You in all of Your ways and let Love guide my life.
No time to organize my thoughts and it’s all jumbled up, but it’s fine because Jesus i know you understand and that is all that matters.
Don’t cut back
Don’t go back to the old mindset
Is it doubt or unbelief
What is our response
Let there be faith
Don’t you dare talk about schedules
Don’t you dare whine about being packed
Continue to do what He says to do
Listen to the Holy Spirit
Don’t make small compromises